Why do we lose our friends as we get older (2024)

FAQs

Why do we lose our friends as we get older? ›

As you get older, time becomes a precious resource that you can only delegate to your most important priorities. As you sort these priorities out, you might lose certain friendships—sometimes because you don't have enough time, or because they don't. It's very natural for a friendship to naturally reach an end.

The older you get, the more effort it takes to maintain connections, because you don't have as many built-in opportunities to see your friends every day. The writer Jennifer Senior noted last year that the fact of our choosing friendships makes them both fragile and special: “You have to continually opt in.

Most of us didn't stay in touch. Alas, by the time we get to midlife, friendships - not just from high school but more recent ones, too - seem to dwindle. Friendships dissolve through death, divorce, moving, sabotage or competition. We grow apart in miles and also in values and beliefs.

Some reasons why friendships do not last:

The friends are not honest about how they feel about something. The friends have a fight and they do not make up. The friends get bored with each other. The friendship is built around only one activity, such as a class.

Losing friendships is undoubtedly a challenging aspect of life, but it's also a testament to growth and change. Embracing the pain, learning from the experience, and channeling those emotions into positive avenues can lead to a more resilient, self-aware, and enriched life.

Friends move, get a new job, start a family and may just gradually stop talking to each other. One study found we lose about half our friends every seven years, Franco says. People are allowed to change, grow and want different things — some friends may welcome the change; others may not, and that's OK, Sbordone adds.

"As we become adults, we have less and less environments where those ingredients are at play." Adults with jobs, kids, and a collection of other responsibilities also simply have less time available for making friends.

The bottom line

That said, loneliness can contribute to mental health symptoms, including anxiety and depression. Getting to know new people isn't always easy, and struggling to make new friends can leave you feeling isolated.

There are many reasons why you might feel like you don't need or have friends. Preferring solitude, being close to family, and being busy with other things are just a few factors that may play a role. Fear of being disappointed or hurt by friends can also be a contributing factor.

It can be hard to stop obsessing over a lost friendship, and healing may take time, but there are plenty of opportunities to meet new people and form new friendships. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and explore different activities or join clubs where you can meet like-minded individuals.

What causes friendships to fade? ›

While you may think a friendship will last forever, it's common for some friends to fade. Sometimes, a disagreement or falling out creates a gap between friends. Other times, commitments like work, distance, or family result in a friendship slowly fading away without animosity.

Common reasons that friendships may end include feelings changing towards one another due to growing up and maturing or just feeling the friendship isnt working any longer, priorities shift in opposite directions, or there has been issues such as trust lost or betrayal that can't be easily overlooked and forgiven.

You're not a priority.

Maybe they're hard to reach or don't seem interested. Sometimes, there's a temporary reason, like if your friend just had a baby and is busier than before. But if you rarely feel like a priority or if you sense that your friend doesn't think you're worth their time, it's best to move on.

As you get older, time becomes a precious resource that you can only delegate to your most important priorities. As you sort these priorities out, you might lose certain friendships—sometimes because you don't have enough time, or because they don't. It's very natural for a friendship to naturally reach an end.

You may also notice that you aren't texting, calling, or messaging each other as much, or that you aren't responding as quickly or enthusiastically as you used to. Another sign that you're losing your best friend is that you're not spending as much time together as you once did.

She suggests setting boundaries to facilitate a natural fade away so you can remain cordial over time. You can do this by limiting your time with the friend or no longer maintaining the familiar role in the relationship. Taking ownership of the changes in your life is also important during this process.

At every stage, we're trying to figure out how to navigate friendship,” she says. Research tells us that, for both men and women, the age of 25 is when most of us start losing friends. “Suddenly, your friends disappear, or you all start taking new life directions as you graduate from college,” Jackson says.

“You meet a person in one phase of your life and now you're trying to still behave like you're 14 [but] things evolve and change,” she says. “We grow as people and we have to acknowledge that. Not every friendship is supposed to go through until the end of time.”

As people get older, they increasingly focus on their more important relationships, often turning to family and close friends. This active reorientation towards a few, particularly close relationships could explain why ageing humans live in ever smaller social networks.

“This is because a friend is someone who has shared so much in our history,” says Beresford. “Friends are an important part of our social structure, which is why when a friendship fades, we can get emotional or nostalgic.” Our longing after former friendships is also related to attachment theory.