Analysis | Some men want women to message them on Tinder first. This is why we don't do that. (2024)

On Bumble, women are indeed required to send the first message after a match. But every other app is up to whoever decides to take the first step. That is, until Tinderlaunches its new featureit will allow women to chat only with men they message first.

Look, I really want women to message first. But as part of my ongoing effort to help men understand why many women do the things we do in online dating, here's some insight into why we don't.

In most of my online dating interactions, I have sent the first message. So yeah, hypothetical profile dude, girls send first message here. But this is what I experienced when I did that.

About nine times out of ten, after I messaged, guys responded as if they were being reluctantly interviewed on a couch by Jimmy Fallon. I told a joke, they wrote 'haha' and nothing else. I asked a question, they answered it and didn't ask me one back. Eventually I got frustrated and left the conversation.

I say this is because the sexes are so much more alike than they appear.Men don't want to send the first message because some women don't respond or answer questions but don't text back. And guess what: men do this too!

I could go into all the bizarre and sometimes rude things some men say to us when/if we message first, but you probably already know that. It's like we're being asked to open some doors and we don't know what's going on behind the door - and what's behind the door usually wastes time or makes us feel ugly because we didn't need to hear about it. how a man we just said “hello” to would like us to use his “face as a toilet.” TOO FAST, sir!

Many of us, like you, are tired and afraid of online dating. It's bizarre to write a line in your profile where you want to feel safe walking down the street alone at night, or have equal pay, and can message them on a dating app first. (Although, if equal rights is just an "I messaged him on Tinder first" away, then yes, equal rights solved!) It also implies that women who don't message you first are lazy or entitled. I know, and you probably know it too, that's not true.

You might think it's cute and playful to be an adult who still pulls our tails a little and says, "I dare you to ask ME out for a change." But the only way it comes off is like a little boy pulling our tails. That's not an attractive look for an adult.

So if you're reading this and have something like that on your profile, that's your choice, and that's not the worst thing you can say. But if you want to communicate a little better—and show how awesome and kind you are—try saying something like, "I welcome women first, but I'm also okay with giving you an A+ one-liner that might or maybe not terrible."

This lets her know that you're not a man who turns away from women who make the first move, but also that you don't expect her to do so — or call her a bad person if she doesn't. Some women still like to ask out first, or message first, and that's fine.

Plus it keeps it friendly and fun, instead of it just boiling under the surface with anger because WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN TO BID ME FIRST AGHHGHH!!!!

Although it's easy to forget, dating should be friendly and fun. Let's bring it back.

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