5 Things to Remember When a Friendship Ends: Life Kit (2024)

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Ed Bock/Getty Images

Ed Bock/Getty Images

Friends are incredibly important people in our lives. Some have been with us for decades. But not everyone can stand the test of time.

We spoke with Marisa Franco, author ofPlatonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, about the complicated dynamics of friendship.

Here are 5 tips to remember when dealing with the loss of a friend.

1. Sometimes it just works

Losing friends is a normal part of life. Actually,a 2009 studyfound that on average, people lose about half of their friends every seven years.

One of the most common reasons these relationships end is because they simply fell through the cracks, says Franco.

“We're running out of things,” she says. "Nobody really wanted the friendship to end, but people got a little busy and deliberately didn't keep the friendship going."

2. Do the unsaid, said

But when a close, committed friendship ends, the reasoning is often more complicated, Franco says.

"[Maybe] there's not enough reciprocity. And so over time someone gets upset," she says. “In friendship, we don't do the unsaid. So little things can pile up. And because they're never addressed directly, people get to a point where they want to end the friendship before actually addressing the problem, whereas if they had intervened earlier, They might have saved the friendship."

To avoid that problem, you need to rethink your perception of conflict. It is not necessarily negative; if you do it with empathy, the confrontation can be a sign that you care enough to restore the friendship.

Franco says that people who truly value friendships are more likely to address issues rather than simply withdraw from them, and that having open conflict is actually linked to deeper intimacy if the conflict is addressed empathetically.

“For me…before, I would pull away, and that would make the friendship no longer sustainable,” she says. "But now I know that if I want to withdraw, that's a sign. It's a sign that I need to talk about something."

3. It is normal to feel sad

When a friendship ends, a grieving process takes place. Allow yourself to feel these emotions - and be patient with yourself.

Franco says this can be complicated because of the way society views and values ​​friendships — which can lead to something called "exempt grief."

“If society doesn't value a relationship that you lose, you have a hard time grieving... because part of the way we grieve is that we get mirrors from people around us saying, I'm so sorry for your loss. " devastating,” says Franco. “But when you lose a friend, you think, why are you still hanging on to this?”

Franco says that invalid responses prolong our grief.

"We're thinking... What's wrong with me?" she says. "Instead of saying... of course I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. Like I've lost someone I'm close to. It means I love him very much... This is a natural part of intimacy and loss.”

4. Find ways to express these feelings

The bad thing about grief is that you can't put a timeline on it.

“Grief is nothing more than a process of continually releasing emotions and little nuggets over time,” says Franco. If there is a friend who makes me feel safe, and whatever you share with them, they will acknowledge that and acknowledge the magnitude of the loss,” says Franco.

5. Be kind to yourself along the way

Franco says it's important not to blame yourself and be mean to yourself in order not to get over the loss of a friendship.

“Just because this happened doesn't mean there will be more friendships like this,” Franco says.

Allow yourself to gain a new perspective as you make new friendships. You don't want to enter into a new relationship with fear. Instead, "recognize the generosity and beauty of the friendships you have," says Franco.

She suggests leaning on the people in your life, because those feelings of closeness and intimacy can ensure that "your brain's image of friendship isn't just colored by this one experience," says Franco.

Franco gives more advice in his book,Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends.

The audio portion of this episode was produced by Sylvie Douglis and edited by Meghan Keane. Our photo editor is Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email toLifeKit@npr.org.

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