After the death of his father, Paul Marlow, a 36-year-old mental health advocate in Surrey, British Columbia, found himself at a crossroads. “I saw that I needed a change,” says Marlow. He wanted to let go of unhealthy habits and start over.
“I found myself longing to move away from the old me, the depressed and anxious me,” he says. But when he tried to move forward, his friends stopped him. While Marlow adopted a healthier lifestyle, his friends preferred drinking and partying.
As Marlow struggled emotionally, his friends reached out less and less, and he realized it was time to move on.
'There can be many reasons why a friendship becomes unhealthy. But any friendship that consistently contributes to us feeling ignored, devalued, or disrespected needs to be reevaluated,” says Gina Handley Schmitt, LMHC, a Seattle-area psychotherapist and author ofFriendship: Creates meaningful, lasting friendships for adults.
Common signs that it's time to move on
As you change and grow, you may find that old friendships no longer suit you. You may drift apart naturally or suddenly realize that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
Here are some signs that it's time to move on.
You are not a priority.You may notice that your friend doesn't make an effort to be with you. Maybe they are hard to reach or don't seem interested. Sometimes there is a temporary reason, for example if your friend has just had a baby and is busier than before. But if you rarely feel like prioritizing, or you feel like your friend doesn't think you're worth their time, it's best to move on.
You don't connect on the same level.Friendships work best when both people want the same type of connection. If you want a deep personal connection, but your friend can't or won't do the same, the friendship can become stagnant and unfulfilling, Schmitt says.
You give more than you take.Sometimes one needs more than the other. But if a friend is constantly a receiver and rarely a giver, it is not a balanced friendship. If you're always there for them, but they don't do the same for you, this could be a sign to move on.
Your friend is disrespectful or mean.Healthy friendships provide support and affirmation. If your friend doesn't respect your feelings, it's an unhealthy relationship. If you're feeling anxious or negative in your friendship, it's a sign that it might be best to end it.
Your friend is dishonest or withholding information.“Deep connections require trust,” says Schmitt. “And trust requires honesty.” If you can't trust your friend to open up or tell the truth, your relationship won't flourish and will become a source of frustration.
You downplay your achievements.Some friendships are competitive. But if you don't share good news so as not to hurt your friend's feelings, that's a sign of jealousy. Good friends want you to succeed and are happy for you when you do.
How to end it
When it's time to end a friendship, you have a few options.
Let it go.Some friendships dissolve on their own. This was the case for Marlow. "The end of our friendship came slowly. I canceled dinner plans. They stopped asking me to join them. We kind of disappeared over time," he says.
If you try to make plans but your friend keeps arguing, you may find that the friendship fades away when you stop trying.
Talk about it.It's often best to have a conversation about why you're ending things so that both people feel respected and can move forward with an understanding of why things didn't work out.
If you've had an argument, it can be tempting to let it go. But having a final conversation can be a better choice, even if it's difficult to talk about what happened or why the friendship isn't working for you anymore.
However you end a friendship, try to respect the other person's feelings, especially if the breakup is one-sided.
You can be respectful while being honest and firm, Schmitt says. Tell your friend why you're leaving, but be careful how you break the news. Be kind and mature, especially if your friend didn't see it coming and feels hurt or confused by your decision.
Can you be friends again?
“Not all fractures are permanent,” says Schmitt. “Sometimes friends find their way back to each other in another season of their lives.” As you grow, you can change, reconnect, and build a healthier relationship later in life.
“The most important thing is that you remain committed to finding and maintaining healthy friendships,” says Schmitt.
