When friendships fall apart, it can seem like it's impossible to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Some broken friendships are destined to stay that way. But if you have a particularly intimate friendship that has given meaning to your life, renewal is important. Restored relationships give us perspective on our experiences and deepen our lives. Not all friendship ruptures are fatal.
If you have a long-lost friendship that you'd like to rekindle, chances are you can make a meaningful reconnection. Today we'll discuss a five-step plan that will help you decide whether or not to save a friendship, and if so, how to do it.
Step one: Count the costs
First of all, you need to decide whether a broken friendship is worth mending. Unhealthy relationships aren't worth it if they force you to compromise your principles or undermine your self-esteem. A good friend will understand and respect your beliefs. Realizing when a friendship is no longer working can be a positive step. If the cost is too high, make a clean break. If the friendship has meaningful qualities and is worth the cost to restore, then you are ready for the next four steps.
Step two: Make meaningful contact
Start by calling or writing a note to convey a primary message: "Our friendship is precious to me and I miss seeing you. Is there any way we can find out what's going on between us? " This simple step is one way to open the doors to reconciliation. There is no need to express your grievances at this time. You're simply setting the stage to see if your friend is also willing to look for a solution.
Step Three: Forgive as best you can
It's hard to let go when you've been wronged. It's normal to feel the need for revenge and "to even the score." The problem with revenge is that when you think the compensation is satisfactory, chances are it will be your enemy's turn to punish you immediately. It's a vicious circle.
How can you stop this? By forgiving. Forgiveness ends everything. You have to put aside your pride and try to see the perspective from all sides. The problems that plague a friendship are rarely 100% one person's fault. If you remember this, you will be well on your way to forgiveness, rather than settling the score.
Step four: Diagnose the problem
If you want to prevent the problem from recurring, it is essential to find out what went wrong. Naturally, we tend to avoid diagnosing the problem. Why? We don't want to face the fact that people are partly good and partly bad.
Seeing things in black and white seems easier and more practical. But most of life, including friendships, comes in shades of gray. So stop pretending there isn't a problem, get to the bottom of it together and move on. If a friendship can't survive such a conversation, it could be a sign that it needs to end.
Step Five: Rebuild respect
The final step in mending a broken friendship is rebuilding respect. If you're hurt, start by noticing your friend's most admirable qualities that inspire you to become a better person. The goal is to rebuild respect by emphasizing the qualities you like most.
Then you also need to acknowledge the end of the relationship by sincerely apologizing for not being the kind of friend you could have been. Take responsibility and ask for forgiveness. If you do this, mutual respect is almost assured.
If you feel a pang of regret or remorse when you think about a former friend and don't act on it, you will never know what could have happened. Some relationships will recover smoothly and others may never regain the full joy they once had. However, the satisfaction will only be known if you try! Check out our new edition for more information on this topic and other relationship issuesReal relationships.
Have you rekindled a broken friendship? What steps have you taken to resolve your issues? We'd love to hear your story in the comments.
